Jokes, Jokes, and Jokes

I am involved in several forums where we have a wildly popular joke topic. I thought it might be fun for everyone to share some good clean jokes. Below is one of my favorites:

A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next
to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are
open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a
telephone in that Rolls?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do.."

"I got one too... see?" the Texan says.

"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.

"Why, actually, yes, I do."

"I do too! See? Its right here!" brags the Texan.

The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the
Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back
there?"

The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"

"Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the Texan
replies.

The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.
Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so
he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to
put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later,
the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all
over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas
plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so
he pulls his Rolls up next to it.

The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels
somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly
modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the
Volkswagen.

The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack
and peeks out.

The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"

"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's
up?"

"Check this out...I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."

The Texan exclaims angrily, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME
THAT?"

It Was Already Late Fall And The Indians On A Remote Reservation In South Dakota Asked Their New Chief If The Coming Winter Was Going To Be Cold Or Mild.

Since He Was A Chief In A Modern Society He Had Never Been Taught The Old Secrets. When He Looked At The Sky He Couldn't Tell What The Winter Was Going To Be Like.

Nevertheless, To Be On The Safe Side, He Told His Tribe That The Winter Was Indeed Going To Be Cold And That The Members Of The Village Should Collect Firewood To Be Prepared.

But Being A Practical Leader, After Several Days He Got An Idea. He Went To The Phone Booth, Called The National Weather Service And Asked, "is The Coming Winter Going To Be Cold?" "it Looks Like This Winter Is Going To Be Quite Cold," The Meteorologist At The Weather Service Responded.

So The Chief Went Back To His People And Told Them To Collect Even More Firewood In Order To Be Prepared.

A Week Later He Called The National Weather Service Again. "does It Still Look Like It Is Going To Be A Very Cold Winter?" "yes," The Man At National Weather Service Again Replied, "it's Going To Be A Very Cold Winter."

The Chief Again Went Back To His People And Ordered Them To Collect Every Scrap Of Firewood They Could Find.

Two Weeks Later The Chief Called The National Weather Service Again. "are You Absolutely Sure That The Winter Is Going To Be Very Cold?"

"absolutely," The Man Replied. "it's Looking More And More Like It Is Going To Be One Of The Coldest Winters We've Ever Seen."

"how Can You Be So Sure?" The Chief Asked.

The Weatherman Replied, "cause The Indians Are Collecting Firewood Like Crazy!

[B_and_D]

Those were funny!

Jack was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him.
Jack noticed that the guy was moaning and shaking.

"What's wrong?" asked Jack.

"I've been transferred to New Orleans, Louisiana," the guy answered. "There's crazy people in New Orleans. They have shootings, rapes, robberies, gangs, race riots, drugs . . . . the highest crime rate."

"Hold on," Jack interrupted. "I've lived there all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."

The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Jack. "I'm the tail gunner on a Bud Lite truck."

Mrs. Johnson decided to have her own portrait painted by a very famous artist. She told the artist, "Paint me with 3-carat diamond earrings, a large diamond necklace, glimmering emerald bracelets, and a beautiful red ruby pendant."

"But ma'am, you are not wearing any of those things."

"I know," said Mrs. Johnson. "My health is not good, and my husband is having an affair with his secretary.

When I die I'm sure he will marry her, and I want that skank to go nuts looking for the jewelry..."

While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed. His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"There's no need! I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator, the doors open, and he rides the elevator down, down, down. When the doors open again, the senator finds himself in the middle of a beautiful green golf course. In the distance is a club, and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in formal dress. They run to greet him, and they reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

Also present is the Devil, who is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before the senator realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up, and the door reopens in Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

So 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by, and St. Peter returns.
"Well, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now, you must choose where you want to spend eternity."

He reflects for a minute and then answers, "Well, I would never would have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better satisfied in Hell."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator, and down, down, down he goes into Hell. Now, the doors of the elevator open, and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. And it's hot, hot, hot, and the odor is just horrible.
Sweltering hot. Hot and miserable. The Devil comes over to him and smoothly lays his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "The day before I was here, and there was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is is a wasteland full of garbage, and my friends look miserable."

The Devil looks at the senator, smiles, and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us."

A professional genealogical researcher discovered that Hillary Clinton's great, great uncle, Remus Rodham, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: "Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889."


The researcher e-mailed Hillary Clinton @NY.Gov for comments. Hillary's staff of professional image adjusters cropped Remus' picture, scanned it, enlarged the image, and edited it with image processing software so that all that is seen is a head shot. The accompanying biographical sketch is as follows:


"Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable, equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor, when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."

Boudreaux's pregnant sister, Marie, was in a real bad auto accident and went into a coma for nearly six months. She awakens and sees she is no longer pregnant.

Frantically she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins, a boy and a girl. The babies are fine, and your brother, Boudreaux named them for you."

"Oh no, not my brother, Boud, he be a idiot," she said. Expecting the worst, she askes the doctor, "Well, whats the girls name?"

"Denise," says the doctor.

"Maise how about that, that's a beautiful name, maybe I misjudged Boudreaux, thats a name I like." Then she asks, "What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew"

Bobby, you are definitely on a roll !!!!

Chap

Originally Posted by mtnguy

Bobby, you are definitely on a roll !!!!

Chap

I'm sharing some of the funnier ones IMHO. If ya like these, I can easily post more. Hopefully, others will share some funny ones too. I love jokes.